Today's Real Post
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Wig In A Box, Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Talking to my old girl wasn't as weird as I thought it would be, but it brought up a lot of stuff about high school that I would have preferred to let stay dead and rotting, especially now that I'm a different person. It's funny how regret seems to creep up on you when you think about certain things....
In high school, I totally wasted four years. I was more concerned about fitting in, about having a niche somewhere, about being cool. I was a shitty student. I know that hindsight is 20/20, and boy is it every for me.
I didn't know who I was, and it's taken me until just a few years ago to realize that part.
High school was ridiculous for me. I tried to be everyone BUT me, and because of that I was more image-obsessed than anything else, and I never paid attention to real friendships or staying true to myself, all that crap that I should have been doing.
I hung out with the goth girls for a while, but they told me to get lost because I talked too much. I hung out with the losers, but they graduated before me so I never saw them until the weekends. I hung out with the older, hotter senior guys that all the girls were swooning for because they were musicians with long hair, but that turned into so much crazy drama (SOOOOO MUCH) that I had to get out because I thought I would lose my mind trying to be so fucking sensitive to everyone's needs and shit. I hung out with the younger happy people for a time, but they were all fickle assholes that ended up turning to my ex-boyfriend when we broke up because his new girlfriend was "sweet". And to them? THanks guys, I appreciate all the IGNORING me you did when I was preganant and puking in the coffee shop bathroom every three minutes, and I really love yall for telling me I was an idiot for joining the Navy. Thanks for all the fucking SUPPORT all those years you tolerated me. I hate those perky folks. I ended hanging out with the losers on the weekends, the skaters after school, and during the school day I was sequestered in a deserted hallway with the people who turned out were my better friends.
Like I said, I tried to desperately fit in with someone, anyone. High school was hell for me.
See, now if back then I had known I was Bipolar instead of just the oft-diagnosed ADD, I may have dealt with things differently. Had I realized that people were cruel and would be my entire life, I wouldn't have thrown away four years of my life trying to make them happy.
When all my own personal drama started a few years ago, I realized that life was too short and far too precious to deal with stupid people. Trying to placate every single jackass that came along was too draining, too energy-sucking to be right, and I stopped. If you were a friend, you were a friend. If you gave me a bad impression in the first, we'll say ten seconds to be safe, I would write you off as an idiot and not waste my time trying to be your friend. This extremely prejudicial outlook saved me a lot of grief in the long run, and amazingly enough endeared me to a lot of people.
I hold to this philosophy even now, becuase there are some really stupid people out there.
I just didn't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck now, and I shouldn't have then, either.
Lessons learned, I suppose.